cold turkey kils

now that smoking is out of the equation, i need something else to substitute it with. quitting is much harder than i thought. how can anyone not smoke while taking a long walk? while at a gig? or simply when its time to chill? but most importantly, during moments of instability? not smoking is driving me crazy. you have no idea how it feels like when your only way of getting through life is taken away from you. there's an enormous void in my coping mechanism now. everyday pressure compounding on my already fragile state of mind. something feels very, very wrong. ironic isn't it that what was killing me physically was actually my mind's saving grace. my body finally told me to stop poisoning myself but now my mind has deteriorated to such a sorry state that i can hardly think straight. my body for my mind or my sanity for my health. right now seeing myself cough out blood again doesn't seem as scary as it did a week a go. in fact in might be the only way to keep me from doing something even more drastic. cold turkey kills. its only been a week but i don't know if i can last. i feel forsaken by everyone. they mistake my forlorn visage as one of confidence and strength. nobody knows me. i don't know me. i don't know what i'm trying to say. i need a cigarette. i need to stop. why?