cigarette romance part 1

late night talks with a drink and cigarette in hand. those were the nights when i actually felt that i had a purpose in life. when i actually felt useful for once in my life. our conversations made me realise how real and alive i was. never have i ever felt so human. it was the first time in a long while where i paid full attention to anybody. suddenly for those few hours i forgot the meaning of indifference. my heart thawed. i cared for someone other than myself. albeit only for those few hours.

i miss feeling alive. i wonder if you felt alive when you poured yourself out. as alive as i felt absorbing every detail in. i doubt that though.

i suppose it doesn't matter how anyone feels now doesn't it. its all in the past and we've moved on. what's left are but memories. i don't think i should hang on to such memories anymore. no use reminiscing and clinging on to something which was never there. it will take time but i will try to forget. it hurts to think that i will never feel as alive again. back to being an automaton then. at least i won't feel pain anymore.


i miss you. but i miss feeling alive more.



i lie.