gomenasai

what exactly were you thinking when you decided to end it all? part of me is curious to enter your psyche. the same one that led you to decide to leave us all. to escape to what you believed was a better reality. to understand your actions. yet another part of me is afraid that if i were to manage to enter your frame of mind at that exact moment, it would open up a whole new world of terrors that i might not be able to cope with. a world of isolation, loneliness, despair. the same one that drove you to insanity. its no use for me pretending to empathise and pretending to understand what you went through during the last few moments. all i have to say is that it must have been really messed up for you to take such a drastic course of action. i'm not one to judge but it was seriously fucked up to end it all that way. to destroy such a joyous occasion with one stupid act. you marred that day for the rest of our lives and now instead of a day for celebration its now a day of remembrance. maybe thats what you wanted. who knows? i certainly don't and i think none of us do either. i have no idea how everyone else took it but from what i saw those close to you took it hard. real hard. it wasn't nearly as bad for me but it did make me think and reflect. i have to say you leaving us has given me a whole new perspective on life. for the first time in my life i realised the fragility of life and human existence. i still haven't figured out the meaning of life and i highly doubt i'll ever find it but your departure moved me one step closer in the right direction. i guess that was the silver lining. it shouldn't have ended that way though. you shouldn't have taken that leap. you shouldn't have gone looking for death. he would've come sooner or later and everything would be so much different for us all. no use saying anything now though. whats done is done. sorry for being more than a year late. in your loving memory. i hope you finally found peace.

suicide is messed up people. being depressed and actually choosing to end your life are two vastly different experiences. suicide is just not worth it. its not a solution. you'll only end up fucking up everyone else in your life. trust me on this. i'd know.