my mind is pretty messed up

"through me you enter into the city of woes,
through me you enter into eternal pain,
through me you enter the population of loss.

justice moved my high maker, in power divine,
wisdom supreme, love primal. no things were
before me not eternal; eternal i remain.

abandon all hope, you who enter here."

- inscriptions on the gates of hell in dante's inferno

pretty creepy shit isn't it. i don't suggest you read the book if you have a vivid imagination and/or if you want to preserve your current outlook on life. if you're wondering why i chose to quote something so cool morbid, well i thought it would be a pretty fitting description of my thoughts sometime. anyway, the worse part of the day in my opinion (which makes me right) is the part right before you go to sleep. the moment where you're lying on the bed and staring on the ceiling waiting for the sandman. well unfortunately for most people, they don't have to wait long. for the rest of us who suffer from insomnia, sometimes its a dreadfully long wait and during that period of time you get to reflect on totally random stuff. yes, anyway, i was lying down for hours thinking about what happens when we die (no thanks to dante). i'm not talking about the impact of our death on the people around us but more importantly what would happen to us. (its always self before others. anyone who says otherwise is lying). what happens when we die? do our souls (if it really exists) really depart to a better/worse place? do we get to watch our own funeral? this was the part that freaked me the most about dying. imagine seeing your own funeral, watching everyone else rejoice mourn and being absolutely powerless during the whole situation. imagine standing right next to your mom trying to comfort her only to realise that you can't do a shit. not only that, what if the big guy decides to let you linger on earth for a while before deciding where to send you. only then would you realise that an eternity is so much longer than a lifetime. we won't really appreciate things until we lose them so i figure that the same concept applies to life. so logically you'd probably expect me to say that the moral of the story is to appreciate life and be thankful with what we already have. if you think so you're so fucking WRONG. the whole point i'm trying to make is to question what exactly it means to live life (okay, so its more of a question than a point). what exactly is the meaning of life? how the fuck are we supposed to live life to the full if we don't even know what the word even truly means? i'm not being nihilistic or anything but the whole concept of life is pretty damned confusing. the only thing that seems guaranteed in life is that if we live, we'll surely die. thats a pretty depressing thought isn't it. but hey, welcome to my world. sometimes i think thinking too much is bad. in this case i think everyone would agree with me when i say that ignorance is indeed bliss. anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings. if it doesn't make sense to you its probably because i wrote this in a stream-of-consciousness manner, read it again if you don't understand it. you'll get it. eventually.


on a much lighter note, i had a pretty awesome dream yesterday. it started out with me taking a crap in the boot of a porsche which just so happened to be unlocked. i then had to flee and somehow found myself in a black van with this uber cute girl snuggling with me (she's the reason i put up baudelaire's "to a passer-by" up. maybe i'll find her in real life). then i somehow got to my house only to find everything topsy-turvy and i had to squeeze myself through the ceiling and the stairs to get in. the end.